what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
