How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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