i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
