Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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