Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
