Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
