My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
