the condom got lost in my hair
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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