She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
they're like a gay fantastic four
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
