franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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