I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
