Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I deserve this hangover.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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