You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize