No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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