I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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