apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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