Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
