My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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