sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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