guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You can't just leave with hair like that
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
