i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
