Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
