So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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