...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize