I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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