Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
