i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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