Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
