Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
