How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
