I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
