I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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