I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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