What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
