I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
