Just fell off a train. Bad.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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