I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
