did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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