Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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