I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
