someone threw a dead crab at me
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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