I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
