What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize