Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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