My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You left your phone here
Wait...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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