I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
