I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
