so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
