Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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