She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
