We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I checked into jail on foursquare
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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