listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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