FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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