I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize