i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
