Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do vagina's smell?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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