hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
