i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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